What I've done so far.

        In my first draft of the revision for paper 3, I tried to take out a lot of the choppy, unneeded sentences that just didn’t make sense. Just going through and doing that made my paper a lot simpler and easier to understand. I also went through and fixed or added better topic and ending sentences to all the paragraphs. I also took out a few paragraphs that had no relevance to my thesis statement at all and that made my entire paper flow a lot better. I tried to simplify my paragraphs so that they were to the point and so that I could get my point across better. Another thing I tried to do was to change how some of the sentences started so that there was some variety in the sentences. I didn’t want my paper to be boring and repetitive so I changed a few sentences around and took things out that didn’t belong. I put all the quotes in one paragraph so that they weren’t all over the place along with the explanations as to why I put the quotes into my paper to begin with. I feel like it was organized better that was and was easier to understand because they were together. I also completely rewrote my conclusion and tried to piece it together with the parts of the essay that I already have without making it too repetitive. I think I need a little bit more feedback on how to make sure that my conclusion isn’t repetitive so that my paper itself is stronger. Other than that, I think that revising my paper helped me understand more about how to correctly write a paper.

Essay 3: Revision Draft 1

College is a period of time full of hard work, stress, and late nights. Any college student working towards a degree understands and would agree with that. Sometimes it’s tempting on a late night of studying to opt for a pick-me-up, and whether the student chooses a coffee or a drug, that’s their choice. “The Last All-Nighter” an article by Kate Miller from the New York Times, tells a story about a senior at U.C.L.A. who is in the final moments before graduating and is having trouble keeping focused and therefore turns to drugs to help. After graduating and getting a real job, she still continues to struggle with drug addiction.  This piece focuses more on the personal experiences of the author, Kate Miller, and less on the factual evidence which would have made the argument about drug addiction stronger and also much more convincing. Despite the lack of logos, the use of ethos makes the paper seem convincing but when taken into consideration, the absence of facts makes the author seem unreliable. It seems like she didn’t care enough about her argument because she didn’t take the time to research the topic she was writing about. Throughout her essay, she relies way too much on ethos and not enough on logos or pathos, although her argument about drug addiction is valid thanks to her personal experiences.

When it comes to the argument about A.D.D. drugs and how they’re used, I honestly feel that they are a good choice for a person who suffers from the condition because it helps them focus more than they can on their own. Other people who illegally use the A.D.D drugs use them for the same reason but can easily slip down a slippery slope. A quote that really struck me was, “Uninsured, I chose to pay hundreds for a refill instead of buying groceries. I’d consume far more than my allocated does, then spend sleepless nights tossing and turning, my mind racing and my heart pounding, only to wake up and take another pill with a coffee to compensate.” This quote uses Miller’s personal experience with drug use to show that she was willing to do anything and skip eating food, which is obviously needed to survive, just to fulfill her addiction. When Miller used this quote, “Eventually, I cared less about balancing alcohol and medication, and more about escaping my dim routine of dependency. My quest for a more polished self became so superficial that I lost track of my goals. It took an old friend to notice the changes,” I thought it was one of the best sentences in her entire paper. Again, it uses the author’s actual experience to prove her argument. It quickly shows the reader that using drugs to get ahead in life won’t do what you want it to do for you. In paragraph eight, she says, “I was now getting high seven times a week, every night a delicate balancing act.” I think that this line supports her argument the most because she’s trying to tell everyone that there is no shortcut to success and that taking and relying on drugs to get you to a successful life, in the long run, isn’t going to work out in your favor.  With the author arguing that there is no shortcut to maturity and success, she, herself, proves that using drugs even just to keep her awake at night so she could finish her work never meant that she was destined for success. These examples are using ethos because the author is trying to show the audience what happened to her personally. It shows that her battle with drug addiction basically ruined her life and that no good came out of it at all.

One weakness that I think takes away from the piece of writing is the fact that there are so many different paragraphs that could’ve been put together to make her argument stronger. It seems like her thoughts are unorganized and it gets very hard to understand her main point. In the beginning of her paper, it starts with an opening or introduction to the author’s life during her senior year in college and goes on about how she started doing drugs. I think that this introduction paragraph was too simple and didn’t catch the reader’s attention at all. Starting off the first sentence with a shocking statistic about how many college students use Adderall illegally for their “benefit” would’ve been a much better way to hook the reader and make them want to read on further. In the next paragraph, the author is still talking about her first experience with the drug. I think that this paragraph should’ve been part of the first one because it’s the same topic and tells the end of the story that she already started telling in the previous paragraph. When writing a paper that is trying to argue such an important topic in today’s society, it should be better written and much more organized that it was so that it’s easy for the audience to follow.

Although she made a lot of good points from her own personal experience, which does prove to be somewhat convincing, there were more ways to make her piece that much better. If she did a little bit of research on how many college students used some kind of A.D.D. drug to help them focus and used that statistic to prove her experiences that would’ve made her argument convincing. Using logos in an argumentative paper like this makes it a lot better because it shows the audience that you’re trustworthy and that you know what you’re talking about. It also shows that there are scientifically proven facts that using drugs is a bad choice and that nothing good would ever come of using them. I think that using facts like that would’ve made her seem very educated about the topic and that in itself would’ve made the paper much better. I also think that using quotes from other people that have gone through the same or similar experiences could’ve added to her entire paper and made it that much more believable. This is true because when she used her own personal experiences in the paper; it was almost shocking that something like that could happen to someone like her. If she used other personal experiences from different types of people, it would’ve proved that drugs can affect all kinds of people not just college graduates. This would also open the paper up to more of an audience such as people who are drug users and not just college students. It could potentially make them all understand the negative effects of using drugs and make them stop. From beginning to end, Miller talks about her personal life and doesn’t include statistics about drug addiction to prove her argument. If she worked a few into her piece then her argument, in its entirety would’ve been more cogent.

Paper number 3

The essay that I am going to revise for our final paper is essay two. For me, it was just easier to write about the second topic that I chose rather than the first. My second essay was already long enough for the rewrite too, so I only need to change a few things in it to make it better. I feel overall, that my second paper was better too. I am going to try to make the thesis more specific which will help make my body paragraphs shorter and less like nonsense. I am also going to add in more transitional phrases into my paragraphs to make it flow better. Another important thing to make my paper better is working on the topic sentences and the ending sentences. If I make them stronger, then the paper will sound more intelligible. I am also thinking about changing the layout of my paper entirely which goes along with making a stronger thesis. If I make it simpler it would be easier to follow and to understand what argument I’m trying to make. I will also make sure to make an original title because I completely forgot to do it for essay two.